Dear every winery website

In Uncategorized on June 10, 2015 at 10:50 am

Dear every wine website,

Please stop asking me for my goddamn date of birth just to get onto your website. If I actually buy something, yeah, totally, check my ID, whatever, but I’m just here looking for information. Access to that information is going to make it easier for me to sell your products. And come on, you know I’m not actually taking the time to scroll to my actual birthday. I’m willing to bet you’ve got an overwhelming shitload of logins claiming to be born on January 1.

I’m assuming I’m not gonna get a lot of pushback on this argument, but just in case I do, let’s address every argument I can think of for why this age verification should exist.

“Alcohol is restricted. Minors aren’t allowed to have it.” Well, that’s so, but information about alcohol is not alcohol. And more importantly, minors are every bit as capable as the rest of us of lying, so this feature is doing literally absolutely nothing.

And that’s all. That’s the only reason that exists for making me pick a random date before 1994 before I can get on your website and find out how much Zinfandel is in your proprietary red blend.

I know, I know, they’re only doing it because they have to, right? I’m assuming that’s the case. Some legislator somewhere decided that this extra step had to exist, so I’d like to talk to that legislator real quick….

Fuck you, dude. Seriously, you couldn’t find anything better to do with your time than enact an idiotic piece of legislation that has the capacity to do absolutely nothing besides annoy the shit out of people looking for information about wine? Seriously, you think a winery website is gonna be the gateway getting minors into alcohol? You think teenagers are going to winery websites to score their first buzz? Really? Seriously, you think teenagers are starting on wine? Because they are not. They’re asking their older brothers, neighborhood degenerates, and local homeless people to buy them Joose and FourLoko at the gas station. Like normal teenagers. You dumb dick.

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